Is your child been sexually molested?. How sure are you?

This research article was done because of the alarming number of adults that admitted they were sexually abused during childhood in Nigeria, its like every adult has a story to tell. There is a big question, and the big question is; since our parents didn't know most of us were sexually abused is there a possibility that our innocent kids are experiencing such evil too?. The worst part is that child sexual abuse can go on for years undetected by anyone even parents. We as parents need to understand healthy sexual development and behaviours in children, because it helps to know when there is a problem such as an abuse.

What is child sexual abuse in the first place?.
What are the effects of child sexual abuse on my child/children?.
What are the signs that my child/children is been sexually abused?.
What are the red flags to look out for in child sexual abuse?.
What are the actions to take to prevent my child from been abused?
What should I do if realize my child has/is been sexually abused?.

WHAT IS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE?
When child sexual abuse is mentioned in Nigeria, people always think of the female child, there must be a considerable amount of penetration and there must be a physical sign. Contrary to this belief, both male as much as female children are sexually abused and it doesn't really have to involve penetration neither must there be a physical sign.

Child abuse according to MEDEM is "any sexual act with a child performed by an adult or an older child". Child sexual abuse could include a number of acts, including but not limited to;

Sexual touching of any part of the body, clothed or unclothed;
Penetrative sex, including penetration of the mouth;
Encourage a child to engage in sexual activity, including masturbation;
Intentionally engaging in sexual activity in front of a child;
Showing children pornography, or using children to create pornography;
Encouraging a child to engage in prostitution?.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF CHILD SEXUAL MOLESTATION?
The effects are numerous and will vary in different children, we sometimes misinterpret these effects that the child is been disobedient and insolent meanwhile they are just totally traumatized, Also because effects always extends far beyond childhood.

Here are the effects;

          • Children may lose skills they once learned and act younger than they actually are. For example, an abused child might start wetting the bed or sucking his or her thumb.
          • Sexual abuses creates loss of trust, feelings of guilt and self-abusive behavior.

          • If the abuser is of same sex as the abused child, this may change the natural sexual orientation of the child. For example the child  may think he/ She is gay and start developing sexual attraction later on for the same sex.
          • Poor body image and low self-esteem.
          • Leads to difficulty with intimate relationships later in life.
          • Sexual anxiety and disorders, including having too many or unsafe sexual partners.
          • Difficulty setting safe limits with others (e.g. saying no to people) and relationship problems.
          • Anxiety disorders.
          • Depression.
          • Eating disorder
          • Unhealthy behaviors, such as alcohol, drugs, self-harm.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS THAT MY CHILD HAS OR IS BEEN SEXUAL MOLESTED?
It is quite hard to detect if a child has been sexually molested because, the signs may not be physical, the act is done in secret and the molester may threaten to hurt or promise goody just for the child to be silent, some children may be too young to communicate to the parents what exactly is going on. On the other hand some children feel its their fault they are been molested, and they did something wrong thus molestation is their punishment while others enjoy the act, attention, care and gifts given to them by the molester. All this come together to make sexual abuse in children hard to detect.

Here are the common signs that a child is been molested;

           • Tries to talk about adult sexual issues with you or other people (they may be too young to communicate the issue); so take note.
           • Uses sexual languages inappropriate With their age.
           • Sudden withdrawal from people, friends and usual activities the child use to enjoy.

           • Sudden Changes in behavior which includes aggression, anger, hostility or hyperactivity.
           • Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges from genitals, anus or mouth.
           • Acting out in sexual ways with toys or objects friends and family not appropriate with his/her age.
           • Physical signs, such as, unexplained soreness or bruises around mouth or genitals.
           • Sudden loss of self-confidence.
          •Avoidance of certain situations, such as; been alone with a certain adult, going to school or coming back whichever the case may be.
           • New adult words for body parts and no obvious source.

           • Often posses money,gifts, toys, food (chocolates and sweets) from an unknown.

           • Presence of blood in child's underwear.

           • Injuries that don't match given explanation.

           • Becomes unusually secretive

          

The presence of any of these signs doesn't necessarily mean that a child is or has been abused but once you notice one or some of these signs, please start asking questions. if you notice a particular child in your child's clique of friends, creche, school or class exhibiting one or some of these red flags, please start asking questions because if the molester can molest a child in your child's play group, how long before he/she will turn to your child?. Also if you notice a certain pattern, maybe - you noticed children that attend your child's, or any summer program, school, daycare or creche.usually show signs of child sexual molestation, start asking questions.

WHAT ARE THE RED FLAGS I SHOULD LOOK OUT FOR IN CHILD MOLESTERS?
In Nigeria, child sexual molestation is under reported especially that of the male child because molestation done by women are sometimes not recognized as abuse. The girl child is more sexually molested compared to the boy child in Nigeria and anywhere in the world, also 9 out of 10 children know their abuser. Molesters normally fall between these category -a relative (whether male or female), family friend( male or female) or persons in a position of trust ( teachers, nannies, caretakers, neighbours), only a few percentage of molestation cases are from strangers.

Molesters exhibits some or all of these characters;

        • views children pornography online or elsewhere.

        • Spend most of their spare time with children and have little or no interest spending time with people their own age.
        • Always taking young children to secret places or hideouts.
        • Insist on physical affection such as kissing, hugging when the child clearly doesn't want it.
        • Intentionally and frequently walk in on children/teenagers in the bathroom/toilet.
        • Buys children expensive gifts or give them money for no apparent reason.
        • Insist on time alone with a child with no interruptions.
        • Shows too much interest in a child sexual development.
        • Enjoys fondling with a child's genitals especially those of babies.
        • Seeks out the company of younger children and spends an unusual amount of time in their company.

        • Exposes sexual materials to children.

WHAT ARE THE ACTIONS TO TAKE TO PREVENT MY CHILD FROM BEEN?
the way you as a parent view the body and dressing of your child is different from the way a paedophile or child molester would. when shopping for a child, words like "sexy" shouldn't come to mind at least for these little period he/she would be a child. rather you should go for cute, decent, classy e.t.c type of clothe. i shouldn't be even writing this but the way some parents dress their innocent kids these days, beats me. read on

         • Build an open and trusting relationship with your child, so he/she feels they can talk to you about       anything and everything.
         • Make your child know that its normal and okay to say to touches that make them uncomfortable or if someone is touching them in ways that make them uncomfortable and that they should Tell you or your better half.
         • Teach your child how to use the internet safely and also provide appropriate supervision for the internet, television and films. chat sites such as badoo, 2go, Facebook e.t.c should be monitored because I carried out a research directly from these sites, you won't believe what kids do on these sites. (Story for another day).
         • Don't leave your child alone with anyone you aren't sure about
         • Make you don't ask your child about an abuse in front of the person you may be suspecting
         • Teach your child/children about their privates and that their privates, remain private. Tell your child/children that if someone tries to touch those private areas, wants to look at them, OR if someone tries to show the child their own private parts, they should tell you as soon as possible.
         • Sexual abuse may feel good to the child sometimes, so asking your child if someone is hurting them may not get the information that you are looking for.
         • Let your child know that they will not be in trouble if they tell you about inappropriate touching.

         • Teach your child self respect and to respect others , this is especially important for girls to develop healthy relationships with boys.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SUSPECT MY CHILD HAS BEEN SEXUALLY MOLESTED?
Parents dont get much advice on how to talk to their children if they are concerned that sexual abuse is occurring and finding out that your child has been sexually molested is the one of the worst things to happen to a parent, but when you suspect an abuse, you should take some or all of these actions.

         • Talk to your child directly.
         • Pick your time and place carefully!
         • Have the conversation somewhere that your child feels comfortable.
         • Make sure that your child knows that they are not in trouble, and that you are simply trying to gather more information.
         • Build a trusting relationship with your child.
         • Let your child know that it is okay to come to you if someone is making them uncomfortable
         • Talk with your child about secrets because abusers may tell the children that sexual abuse is a secret just between them and may ask  the child to promise to keep it secret. When you talk to your child, talk about times that its okay not to keep a secret, even if they made a promise.
         • Follow up on things that made you concerned. If there was something your child said or did that made you concerned, ask about that.
         • As you talk to your child about sexual abuse, remember to focus on creating a safe place for your child, even if they don tell you about   sexual abuse at the time of the conversation, you are laying a foundation for future conversations.
         • Ask your questions in a nonjudgmental way, and take care to avoid shaming your child as you ask questions.
         • Be sure to follow up on any promises you make :if you tell your child that they can talk to you, be sure to make time for them when they do come to you.
         • Make sure to follow through on this if your child does tell you about inappropriate touching! Try not to react with anger towards the child.
         • If sexual molestation has occurred report to the nearest police station.

Children are getting involved in sexual activities everyday these days, and will continue. Not because they were poorly trained but because they've been shown it, heard it, and probably is practicing or have practiced with an adult or a child older than them. These pattern will continue because we do not understand that child sexual molestation goes way beyond the physical signs e.g blood in underwear, we also need to know the emotional signs and healthy sexual development of our children.

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